just thinking

I've been thinking about a phrase someone I know said a few weeks ago: "God doesn't give you more than you can handle at a time, so that you won't lose faith and turn away from Him."

There was something about that phrase that really bothered me, but I didn't have the quickness of mind at the time to be able to put my finger on it and respond.
A  few weeks later, though (kind of shows how scatter brained I am at the moment) and I think I have.

As I see it, the problem with what she said is that God does give us more than we can handle. It's something that gives us opportunity to grow - grow in both our faith and in our character.
This growth is very important to Him, and even though we may think it's hard, He sees the potential outcome and knows that it will be worth the struggle.

When I am in the midst of struggles, hard or trying situations, frustration, hurt, grief or anger, it can be difficult to remember that God is still there. He is waiting and watching, ready to comfort or give wisdom - whatever we might need at the time - just as I wait and watch my own children figure out things.

I have faith, but it needs to grow in the trials. That growth only comes through God, though, not through anything that I can do. (Ephesians 2:8-9) It comes from turning to Him and crying, "Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief". (Mark 9:24)

I need a faith that believes God is who He is, not who I say or think He is. I need to believe that God is good in all things - even though the current situation may not seem to prove that. I need to believe that He is unchanging, compasstionate, holy, true, loving and forgiving, full of mercy, just.

He knows that even though I know so much about Him in my head, I still have areas of unbelief in my heart that are choking out faith. He and I both want me to walk in faith alone. And so He prunes out the unbelief. (John 15)
It hurts, but as I turn to Him in the midst of the pain and confusion, the unbelief is cast aside.

a little announcement

We're moving (again)!

John has been transferred to Indianapolis and we are scheduled to be there this Thursday or Friday. It will be our fourth move in three years, and I'm still not sure how I feel about it.

There are times when I am excited, excited to see how God is working, excited to see what will happen in the next few years, where He will take us and the things that will happen along the way.

But there are times when I am scared, too. I want to be able to trust Him with everything, knowing that He is absolutely sovereign and is directing our days, but it scares me. I want to know where we will end up, where our next baby will be born and what city we will ultimately call home and when we'll get there. I want to know when I can put down roots and have them be permanent.

But I don't.
God does.

I want so badly to be able to trust Him with that, and trust Him gladly.

But for today I have a few tears.

for when I become complacent

"Disturb us, Lord, when We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

"Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

"Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.
We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.

-Sir Francis Drake


I've read this prayer before, but it was a while ago and I had forgotten about it. The little ones and I were visiting Brian and Leah over the weekend while John was hunting, and the pastor of their church led the church in reading this together during the worship service.
I've been pondering it for a few days and thought I'd post it to share with you all.


Disturb us, Lord, when We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little
...
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
...

We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes


I've found that sometimes God uses poetry to re-say things that He has said before, things that I've heard so many times that my ears and heart become deaf to them.
God has plans and dreams for our family that are so much bigger, broader, deeper, higher and more wondrous than we can imagine (Isaiah 55:8-9), partly because He is God - all knowing, all seeing, all present - but partly because we are at times content to dream little dreams.

So, Father, what dreams would You have us dream? Disturb us, Lord.

just a song on the radio

John had to work on Sunday, so it was just me and the little ones going to church. We dropped him off (kisses all around - Emma loves giving kisses right now) and then Emma asked me to turn on the music (she also loves to sing and "dance" in her carseat as we're driving).

After a few minutes "No Matter What" by Kerrie Roberts came on:

I’m running back to Your promises one more time
Lord that’s all I can hold on to
I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises You
Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why

No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what I’m gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I’ll trust You no matter what, no matter what

When I’m stuck and there’s nothing else by myself
I’m just sitting in silence
There’s no way I can make it without Your help, I won’t even try it
I know You have Your reasons for everything so I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling, God You are my hope
And You will be my strength

Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s OK if You don’t
I’m not here for those things
The touch of Your love is enough on its own
No matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You

No matter what I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I’ll trust You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, but if not, I’ll trust You

No matter what
No matter no matter what
No matter no matter what
No matter no matter what


There was one line in particular that struck me, and as I pondered it, the truth that was in it ministered to my spirit as much - or maybe more than? - the fellowship and sermon that we enjoyed later that morning.
Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands

While I know that God is sovereign and permits trials to come into our lives for our benefit, I sometimes realize that I have forgotten that God is with me, before and behind, in my heartache as well as my joy.

It is easy for me to forget that He doesn't just allow any pain to come into my life, no, just that which He is using to shape me for His glory.

Everything He does has purpose, and everything that He allows to touch me will end up being for my good - even the things that really hurt, the things that - at the time - I wish never happened.
It all goes through God's hands before it touches me.
I can trust Him.
Even when I can't see the hope through my tears, I can trust Him.



(nothing is going on right now, just in case you are wondering!)

faithful living

"This job has been given to me to do. Therefore, it is a gift. Therefore, it is a privilege. Therefore, it is an offering I may make to God. Therefore, it is to be done gladly, if it is done for Him. Here, not somewhere else, I may learn God’s way. In this job, not in some other, God looks for faithfulness." -Elisabeth Elliot

I found this quote on someone's blog this morning. So good.

I've been pondering - what's my job? What does this look like for me?

Job - wife. Mother.

So the quote could read like this: "Being a wife and mom is the job that has been given to me to do. 

Therefore, it is a gift. 

Therefore, it is a privilege (sometimes this is more evident than others!). 

Therefore, it is an offering I may make to God. 

Therefore, being John's wife and a mom to Emma and Ian is to be done gladly, if it is done for Him. 

Here, in my days at home, I may learn God’s way. 

In this job, not in some other, God looks for faithfulness."

pondering and applying this truth today.

amazing and full of wonder

My sister-in-law posted some ultrasound photos of our new little nephew or niece on facebook the other day.
As I was looking at them this morning I found myself choking up - they amaze me.
This little one already has a soul, an eternal soul. God knows his/her name and has known it since before the beginning of time. Even before it was ever spoken of, He know of Baby Smillie's existence. Oh, these things are amazing and full of wonder.

I was thinking about the verses where God talks about knowing us before we were conceived, knitting our bones and muscles together, seeing us while we were hidden away in the safety and darkness of our mothers' wombs.
Amazing.


O LORD, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
   you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
   and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
   behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
   and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
   it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
   Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
   and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
   and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
   and the light about me be night,"
 even the darkness is not dark to you;
   the night is bright as the day,
   for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts;
   you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
   my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
   intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
   the days that were formed for me,
   when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
   I awake, and I am still with you.
 -psalm 139:1-18

gifts

...it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him—for this is his lot.
Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God.
-ecclesiastes 5:18-19

Happiness in our work is a gift from God, as are satisfaction and contentment.
Contentment has been near the front of my thoughts for the past several weeks ...

He. Is. Faithful.

"suffering is not for nothing. It's not just an opportunity to try and trust God. There is something glorious that He desires to produce in us through our sufferings." a. ann

"Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who has promised is faithful;" -Heb 10:23

He is faithful.

He is faithful.

He is faithful.

He. Is. Faithful.


I've come to the conclusion that I can expect "baby blues" to hit me about 6 weeks after I give birth.
For some reason, even though I get tired and a bit emotional after my babies are born, that passes fairly quickly and it's not until about a month and a half goes by that I start reaching out for help. Or quietly shutting down and weeping.
It happened after Emma, and now it's happening again.

It's wonderful that Ian has started to smile. He lies there, saying "ah ga, ah ga" and smiling. Emma comes over and wants to snuggle. And it's good. I wipe away tears and try to smile back.

I'm not really sad, per say, but not really happy either. The tears lie just beneath the surface and anything - or nothing - will make them flow.
I want to be happy, joy-filled, entering into Emma's play. Most of the time I am. It's just so much, much harder right now.

This feels like such a poor explanation of what is on my mind, what I wanted to say, but it's a start. I want to come out on the other side of this time knowing that God was faithful, giving me grace. Knowing that, somehow, He was working out something glorious.
I want to see that fruit.

heavenly yearnings

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy , the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." -c.s. lewis

We are made for another world, for eternity. 

The imperfections of these present days are going to pass away, and someday - "soon" - we will be in the perfection of eternity. The heaps of dishes, of laundry and projects waiting to be fixed are, at their core, reminders that we are created to glorify God forever. 

Long ago there was sin and temptation and we are dealing with the sin and "brokenness" that came from that everyday. But, Someday .........

We can start practicing for it today.

poem for today, part II

As I was thinking about it yesterday, I came to realize that this poem is (or can be) about more than romantic love (which is what I thought of when I first read it, when I made the page in the album I gave John, and every time I've seen it since then ... until yesterday).
It can be about being a parent, too.
Because it's true.
It's true about love in marriage and love in parenting.
It's an incredible and wonderful thing that God enables us to love our children more and more each day.
And it's a really good thing, too, since, even though we love our children enormously on the day they are born, every extra little bit of love is needed on days when they've been grumpy since they got up and nothing will pacify or get them to snap out of it and you are about to cry yourself (not that we are having one of "those" days, not at all).

Today less than tomorrow ....

free coffee and stewardship

Darcie's post - all things to enjoy ... richly - got me to thinking about that verse. I had to get out a concordance to find it, though! Our wonderful God has given us all things, for us to enjoy! So amazing.

Starbucks is giving away cups of coffee today. They are trying to promote Earth Day and respect for our environment, so if you bring in a reusable mug they will fill it with free coffee. Nice! I love free coffee!

I appreciate it when businesses offer incentives for people who are trying to be good stewards of what God has entrusted them with. At the same time, though, I try to remember that we are commanded to master the Earth (Genesis 1:28-30), not the other way around. It can be so easy to develop selfish and wasteful habits, but it is also easy to lose focus and allow our efforts to be good stewards to rule us.

So, if you are out and about today and would like a little pick-me-up, take a thermos into Starbucks and enjoy some free coffee as you save a paper cup.


"Instruct those who are rich in this present world [as Americans, we are wealthy, even if our income is below the poverty level] not to become conceited or to fix their hope on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly supplies us with all things to enjoy."

-I Timothy 6:17

hospitality and books from the library

The Art and Craft of Entertaining

A Life That Says Welcome

I borrowed these two books from our local library, and have been enjoying them. The first one is very elegant with lots of gorgeous photos and creative ideas of how to entertain in an impressive way. It has ideas for the types of dinner parties that you send engraved invitations for. Beautiful.
The second book is all about Christian hospitality, how it starts in the heart and is translated through your home and attitudes. The author reiterates over and over that hospitality is about ministering to others rather than impressing them. What a contrast!
It has been good to look at the two books side by side, comparing the two concepts of entertaining.
I whole heartedly agree with Karen Ehman in her ideas of entertaining, but it is nice to remember also that hospitality involves showing honor to others by preparing a beautiful setting a meal just for them.

Easter is coming - a few ramblings

Easter is just a few days away. It is a season that is precious to us believers. Sadly, it can be hugely commercialized (all those Easter bunnies laying eggs .....), and it needs to be celebrated in a God-glorifying way. I love what Nancy Wilson said over on her blog about celebrating it with traditions, traditions that are both solemn as we recognize the enormity of what Christ did, and joyfully childlike as we celebrate His victory and our freedom.

I have a wonderful husband. I really do.
We were driving home from church the other day and I mentioned how "the baby" must really be wanting some Peeps and a chocolate bunny .....
He bought me some.
They're only $1 at Walmart, but it made me feel so very loved and cherished. Isn't he just wonderful?
I love him.

I've posted something on the market blog again (yes, it gets updated really randomly - sorry about that). If you are interested in buying a few of the new spring pretties, you can find them here.

And we having wonderful spring weather!!! It's finally gotten into the 70s here, and I'm loving it. :) Emma wore a pair of shorts today for the first time this year.

a one-car family

I stumbled upon this post this morning, and found it to be quite encouraging.
As some of you know, John and I have been driving one car since we got married. It has worked out fine overall, but there have definitely been times when I/we have thought about buying another!
Since we aren't in a position to afford one (and by afford I mean pay cash for, etc) without digging into our savings, we have put the idea on the back burner for the near future.
Reading Liz's thoughts on the subject was good, reminding me that not only are others in our situation thriving, but there are actually benefits to it.
Obvious benefits are financial, of course, but also personal. I, too, have had to be organized with my time and shopping trips, and that organization has been good for me. :)

There is one thing in particular that she said that was especially encouraging:
"On a more personal level, I feel that our situation has also blessed me with the opportunity to truly blossom in our home and to focus on my life there."

It's true. When you don't have the option of driving away, home becomes your focus. My challenge is to take joy in that, and not let it become a grumbling point.
As I'm reminded of over and over, this season of life is passing quickly, and I need to focus on it, not the "someday". Emma will be our only child for just a few more months, and she is growing so quickly. With the new baby I will need to focus on two instead of one, and there will be increasingly less time. Focusing on our home and each other (as well as our friends) is something that we will never regret.

And as Liz said to close her post, I may not get out much, but you are welcome to come over! I'll put on the coffee or tea and we can visit a while. :)

treasure these moments

Emma will be our little baby for only a little while.
Soon - too soon it seems sometimes - she will have to share our attention with another baby and be the big sister, no longer the center of everything. She is growing and learning so very quickly. So many "big" milestones such as her first birthday, first steps and first words, are just around the corner and our little Emma Grace is so ready for them.
For now, though, she is still our baby, and I am treasuring the moments. Treasuring the moments when it is just her and me at home during the days, treasuring being able to focus on her, being undistracted and able to notice and celebrate her little achievements. Treasuring our baby girl.

this afternoon

in the midst of all the ice and snow I find myself yearning after a yard and a garden of my own.

One of the things I used to do each year in California was, after Christmas and all the bustle that came along with it was over, head out into the yard to prune back the verdure that was ever trying to take over Dad and Mom's house. Here, though, nothing grows in the winter. Except for the occasional snow drift that is.

flower photos taken last spring

winter solstice

christmas 2009, originally uploaded by Lizi Beth.

isn't it wonderful that on the darkest day of the year, December 21, the candles and lights shine the brightest?
it's something to ponder in relation to other aspects of life, too.............

I love that Christmas, the day we celebrate the Light of the World being come to earth, directly follows the darkest day of the year. Somehow it seems to be full of meaning to me.

our teething babe

The past few days have been filled with lots and LOTS of Emma holding, Emma comforting, and trying to find ways to relieve her discomfort.

So, when I heard her pull out the basket that holds our CDs tonight - which is usually a "no touch" item - I ignored it and let her play. She wasn't being destructive, just curious. She pulled most of the cases part way out and slid them back in, playing with a few colorful ones that caught her interest. It kept her busy and distracted for quite a while.

Now the thing is, she is happy but I feel bad that I was inconsistent!

gifts in the night

Yes, I know that it is 3:30 in the morning.

But I've noticed that this funny thing happens to me when I'm pregnant - my normally sound sleep (very sound, as in, almost comatose) gets much lighter and I can hear sounds through my sleep. Sounds like the road repair blocks away and the downstairs neighbors' toilet running. And I wake up.

Sleep flees for a while and I am left lying in bed next to John, trying not to wake him, thinking in the middle of the night (and trying not to be annoyed by being awakened by mere water running or distant jackhammering).

Tonight as I was lying there thinking random (would it be really rude of me to knock on the neighbor's door and ask them if I can adjust their toilet float thingy for them? it would, wouldn't it ....) and not so random thoughts (gratefulness for the warm strong arm that tightens around me when I stir), I spent some time thinking and praying about this little baby that is making it's way into our lives. A new little - unexpected - bundle to love and care for. Our second child. Due June 1. He or she already has all of their appendages formed and movable, has ten discernible fingers, is developing neurons at an astonishing rate and is still the size of a large grape.

So tiny. And yet has a soul. It is our baby, entrusted to our care by God.

I was so surprised to find out that God's plans for our family were - once again - different than I had planned (I really shouldn't be surprised by that, but I always am. It's almost as if I actally expect God to follow my plan or something ...). I pretty much came up sputtering and dazed. It took me nearly a week before I was able to wrap my mind around having another baby in seven months (and if you're counting, yes, that will make Emma 15 months old).

My absolute first response, though, as I stared at the positive test was, "God's plan is better."
Because it is.
Not only is His plan better, but it is perfect.

One of my all time favorite verses in James 1:17: Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

Good and perfect gifts from our Father. Because He is good and perfect, He cannot give any other kind. Oh, some of His gifts may seem untimely or out of place, but they aren't. They are just right for us now.

In the same way that we in our finiteness delight to give to our own children, He delights to give us gifts, good gifts that will bless us (Matt 7: 11).

I know that the next few years will be full to bursting and there will be difficult days. But it will be good.

Because God is blessing us, rewarding us, giving us joy (Psalm 127:3-5). There really is no greater honor than to be entrusted with the care of a child, and now God has given us two.

as water through fingers ....

teething, originally uploaded by Lizi Beth.

I love being a mother. I really do. Mothering a smiling and joyful (and willful ...) baby is just so wonderful. Sometimes when I look back at my day, though, it seems as if all my effort accomplished nothing. True, the laundry has been washed, dishes done, diapers changed. But at the end of the day it is hard to tell because all of that "doing" is waiting to be done all over again. There are no marks of achievement when is comes to housework.

Emma is teething just now, and today she just wants to held as she sucks her thumb or trills to me as she plays with my hair. It is difficult to get much accomplished while carrying a nearly 20 pound baby, and combined with her want for more nursing and less "real" food, I am feeling a bit tired! So we have been sitting at the computer and I have been catching up on reading blogs as Ems absorbs comfort. As I was reading I found that this woman's post from last week was good and very timely.

It reminded me of the story of how David's mighty men went down to Bethlehem to get him some water from the well, and instead of drinking it he poured it out on the ground as a drink offering (II Sam 23:14-17). Of course, David had a purpose for pouring out the water - to him it represented the life blood of the men who had brought it for him - but I have always seen it from his men's view as well: they so wanted him to have this water that meant so much to him, and then he poured it out instead of drinking it. All their effort gone. But their effort wasn't gone. It was being used as an offering of praise.

The blog author was convicted about her setting "seen" accomplishments as idols in her heart. It was so good to read her transparency. I stopped to ponder: Can I go from needing a visible, tangible product of my labor to allowing it to be poured out before God?