a little announcement

We're moving (again)!

John has been transferred to Indianapolis and we are scheduled to be there this Thursday or Friday. It will be our fourth move in three years, and I'm still not sure how I feel about it.

There are times when I am excited, excited to see how God is working, excited to see what will happen in the next few years, where He will take us and the things that will happen along the way.

But there are times when I am scared, too. I want to be able to trust Him with everything, knowing that He is absolutely sovereign and is directing our days, but it scares me. I want to know where we will end up, where our next baby will be born and what city we will ultimately call home and when we'll get there. I want to know when I can put down roots and have them be permanent.

But I don't.
God does.

I want so badly to be able to trust Him with that, and trust Him gladly.

But for today I have a few tears.

for when I become complacent

"Disturb us, Lord, when We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

"Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

"Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.
We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.

-Sir Francis Drake


I've read this prayer before, but it was a while ago and I had forgotten about it. The little ones and I were visiting Brian and Leah over the weekend while John was hunting, and the pastor of their church led the church in reading this together during the worship service.
I've been pondering it for a few days and thought I'd post it to share with you all.


Disturb us, Lord, when We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little
...
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
...

We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes


I've found that sometimes God uses poetry to re-say things that He has said before, things that I've heard so many times that my ears and heart become deaf to them.
God has plans and dreams for our family that are so much bigger, broader, deeper, higher and more wondrous than we can imagine (Isaiah 55:8-9), partly because He is God - all knowing, all seeing, all present - but partly because we are at times content to dream little dreams.

So, Father, what dreams would You have us dream? Disturb us, Lord.

poem and ponderings

God's Grandeur

The world is charged with the grandeur of God.               The heavens declare the glory of God;

  It will flame out, like shining from shook foil;                   the skies proclaim the work of his hands. 

  It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil                                                              -Psalm 19:1

Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod?                   Creation itself also will be set free from its

Generations have trod, have trod, have trod;                          slavery to corruption into the freedom of

  And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil;         the glory of the children of God.

  And wears man's smudge and shares man's smell: the soil     For we know that the whole creation groans and

Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod.                             suffers the pangs of childbirth together until now. ...

                                                                                         but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us

And for all this, nature is never spent;                                 with groanings too deep for words;

 There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;                                                - Romans 8:21-22,26

And though the last lights off teh black West went

  Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs --

Because the Holy Ghost over the bent

  World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.

- Gerard Manley Hopkins

He. Is. Faithful.

"suffering is not for nothing. It's not just an opportunity to try and trust God. There is something glorious that He desires to produce in us through our sufferings." a. ann

"Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who has promised is faithful;" -Heb 10:23

He is faithful.

He is faithful.

He is faithful.

He. Is. Faithful.


I've come to the conclusion that I can expect "baby blues" to hit me about 6 weeks after I give birth.
For some reason, even though I get tired and a bit emotional after my babies are born, that passes fairly quickly and it's not until about a month and a half goes by that I start reaching out for help. Or quietly shutting down and weeping.
It happened after Emma, and now it's happening again.

It's wonderful that Ian has started to smile. He lies there, saying "ah ga, ah ga" and smiling. Emma comes over and wants to snuggle. And it's good. I wipe away tears and try to smile back.

I'm not really sad, per say, but not really happy either. The tears lie just beneath the surface and anything - or nothing - will make them flow.
I want to be happy, joy-filled, entering into Emma's play. Most of the time I am. It's just so much, much harder right now.

This feels like such a poor explanation of what is on my mind, what I wanted to say, but it's a start. I want to come out on the other side of this time knowing that God was faithful, giving me grace. Knowing that, somehow, He was working out something glorious.
I want to see that fruit.

39 weeks

66 degrees (supposed to get to 86) with 91% humidity. And I am hot.
When the humidity here gets over, oh, about 50% I seem to loose my ability to cool down. Maybe because of all the extra fluid in my body?
It's on mornings like this, where I wake up around 5 already sweating and then try to get back to sleep, that I feel as if I'm going to be pregnant forever. That I'll always be this hot, this awkward, this big, never give birth, never get to meet our little one face-to-face, count his fingers and smell his sweetness. That those toes will always be jabbing me from the inside and I will never be able to count them.
And then I remember that God said that there is a season for everything. Everything. Even a time for birth (Eccl 3:2). Meaning that this too will come to an end.
And - after a while perhaps - I will miss it.

a song to start the morning

One of the men in our church sang this during the service yesterday, and it brought me to tears (I had to borrow a Kleenex from the lady ahead of me). I recommend listening to it if you have time this morning. It is so good.

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.
I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

-Revelation 21:1-5

dreams

We had dreams. Some of those dreams came to pass, others didn't. But we keep dreaming.

When I was little there was a time where I wanted to be a ballerina, and John had wanted to be a pilot.
I wanted to be a surgeon, then a nurse (among other things). I even started taking classes to achieve that. But I wanted to be a wife even more. And a mother. I wanted a home and garden, a husband and babies of my own, a place where I could create beauty and take care of the ones I love.

Some of those dreams will never become real. Some of them have. Some of them are in progress, becoming reality. There are some, though, that are still so far from becoming real that it takes all the hope that is in me to keep them alive. Because, "hope does not disappoint us..." (Ro 5:5) and "God is faithful ..." (I Cor 1:9).

(the little tag in the frame says "dream")

But as for me, I will always have hope;

I will praise You more and more.

My mouth will tell of Your righteousness,

of Your salvation all day long,

though I know not its measure.

-ps. 71:14-15

emotion

the last few months of being pregnant with Emma found me dealing with emotions and battling fear. Not constantly, but still battling it. Being a slightly overconfident, self-sufficient, stubborn and fairly secure person, fear is a fairly foreign emotion for me. Especially the kind that made my heart race and woke me up with nightmares.

Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you may go. Joshua 1:9

I would all of a sudden become convinced that John was going to die, and I would have to give birth and raise Emma alone, or I would be overcome by the possibility that Emma could be born with severe defects. John would wake up and pray with me, over me and for me. I memorized and meditated on scripture about trusting God, about not fearing. And it helped.

God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.

After Emma was born the fear subsided. There was (still is sometimes) definitely the first time parent nervousness of checking and double checking her breathing while she slept, wondering if she really is okay, if she is growing normally, if I am a "good" mother. But overall I have been able to turn those fears over to God and He has given/is giving me the grace to trust Him.

God is able to make all grace abound to you ... II Corinthians 9:8

abounding

just ducky, originally uploaded by Lizi Beth.

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, that always having sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed.

"Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!"
-II Corinthians 9:8,15

Yes. All grace. Abound. For every good deed.
Yes.

new life

I know that it was there all winter, but really, everything seemed so dead. The yards, parks and roadsides were beginning to seem as if they were populated by skeleton trees and a remnant of brave but lonely evergreens.
And then one day last week, we went to the park. The Bradford Pear and tulip trees were blooming. The first of them all to bloom and leaf out. The rest of the trees and bushes almost seemed to be waiting for them to take the lead, for now there is a hazy green film everywhere. Just in time for Easter. How appropriate.


As long as the earth endures,
seedtime and harvest,
cold and heat,
summer and winter,
day and night
will never cease. -Gen 8:22

If those words have proven true, these will as well:

And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with Me that you also may be where I am. -John 14:3

Baby update

So, today the little pregnancy ticker reads, "40 weeks and 0 days pregnant", which means that today we have officially reached our baby's "due" date. And at this point, since the crib is still empty, it looks as if she just might be "late".

In light of that, we scheduled an induction appointment at the hospital for the 26th, at 7 a. m. (ike! that sounds early!), and are praying that we don't have to keep it. I am a little skittish about the whole idea of inducing labor, even though I know that if that is the way God wants our baby to be born, it will work out fine. I just would greatly prefer to go into labor naturally. Either way, though, His plan is perfect, He is sovereign, and He will take care of us. We are very eager to be able to finally hold her in our arms, and not just feel her through my tummy, but it felt so odd to be choosing her possible birthday!

Little One, we love you, and can hardly wait to see your little face! <3

Wonderful Love

Yesterday I found an article titled "His Love Stories", by Elisabeth Adams.

"The Bible tells us that Jesus is the Word made flesh. I like to think that, in a small way, each of us is also the Word made flesh; that each of us has a story in which the kindness of God is made visible to the world. Think how clear His kindness is in your salvation story. And when you listen to the salvation stories of others, don't you see how unique is the way He captures each of our hearts?
"That's why my favorite love stories are true ones. In fact, I've probably read or heard the stories of nearly 150 Christian couples, each one as unique as a fingerprint. Some couples called it "courtship," some called it "dating," and some met and married long before the terms acquired their present meanings. God's kindness is evident in them all."

It's a good article, reminding us of God's creativity in pursuing and wooing us. After I read it I started to think of the many ways that God is still wooing me - because one of the wonderful things about the Almighty is that He is our Eternal Lover, never content to let our relationship with Him to grow stale. And not just the ways He woos me, but those around me.
It may not always feel loving or look beautiful in the moment - just as in any long term relationship there are periods of pain - but looking back I can see that He has always been loving, always been faithful to care for my heart.
What a wonderful God.

giving thanks

this year we have much to be grateful for, because as the psalmist said,

"...the LORD has dealt bountifully with you."

-psalm 116:7

from my heart this morning

Does someone hear my cry?

I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful

Make you stand in awe

Look inside my heart,

and be amazed

I want to hear you say

Who I am is quite enough

Just want to be worthy of love

And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me

Fighting to make the mirror happy

Trying to find whatever is missing

Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful

You make me stand in awe

You step inside my heart, and I am amazed

I love to hear You say

Who I am is quite enough

You make me worthy of love and beautiful

-bethany dillion, "beautiful"

Before me,

even as behind,

God is,

and all is well.

- john greeleaf whittier -

little happenings

Three weeks from right now I will be sitting in the back room of a church, waiting for my wedding to begin and counting down the minutes until I become John Smillie's wife. Forever. Three weeks.
In the meantime there are a veritable ton of things that probably should be done, but most of them are non-essential.
All of those things are non-essential when I stop to think about what life will look like in, say, 4 1/2 weeks. It helps me put it all in perspective when I remember that soon, very soon, it will be all over and I will be his wife, unpacking our boxes and washing our laundry. In the meantime I miss him terribly. Even with all the bustle of seeing friends and busyness of getting things ready, I am lonely. But, in 2 1/2 weeks he will be here, and the hours until the ceremony will fly past. They are flying now, which means I need to get the next thing done (the lining for the skirt of Anna's dress, I think .... ).

thought of the moment

I miss John so much. So very much. And love him, too! (Did I need to add that?)

Am I dreaming such absurdities
I’m flying, and you’re here with me
We fingerpaint the sky
Chase constellations sliding by
Connect their dots and dance on tightropes in between
We twirl and laugh about these crazy things we dream
And then I kiss you
And I wake myself
Still laughing

It’s daybreak, and the whole world’s new
The sun smiles, but where are you?
Wish I could hold you again
Nothing a daydream cannot mend
You smile and promise me you’ll always be around
I whisper hallelu’s and sing your name out loud
But no one hears me
Well, at least for now I’m smiling
...
"amusing" by chris rice

marriage is a very special thing ....

"There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends." ~Homer

set free

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

...

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine

You are forever mine

- chris tomlin "amazing grace (my chains are gone)"

new every morning

-California Sunrise-

the steadfast love of the LORD never ceases/ His mercies never come to an end
they are new every morning/ ... great is Thy faithfulness O LORD
great is Thy faithfulness

I love living in California. I even love living in the San Joaquin Valley. One thing I love about living in the San Joaquin Valley of California is that we have sunrises that do not merely cause you to catch your breath and worship, but that take your breath away entirely.
The view this morning was no exception.
Of course, there are days where the mountains seem to be non existent because of the smog, but the sunrise is always stunning.
This morning's sunrise reminded me that God is good to me, very good. His mercies are always new. He sees my need and begins to meet it before I am even aware that it exists.
He is good.