Three weeks from right now I will be sitting in the back room of a church, waiting for my wedding to begin and counting down the minutes until I become John Smillie's wife. Forever. Three weeks. In the meantime there are a veritable ton of things that probably should be done, but most of them are non-essential. All of those things are non-essential when I stop to think about what life will look like in, say, 4 1/2 weeks. It helps me put it all in perspective when I remember that soon, very soon, it will be all over and I will be his wife, unpacking our boxes and washing our laundry. In the meantime I miss him terribly. Even with all the bustle of seeing friends and busyness of getting things ready, I am lonely. But, in 2 1/2 weeks he will be here, and the hours until the ceremony will fly past. They are flying now, which means I need to get the next thing done (the lining for the skirt of Anna's dress, I think .... ).
I am swamped. Positively. And rather amazed that I am getting anything done at all! But at the same time I am realizing more intensely just how much my family will miss me. How much I will miss them. I know that they love me, but until recently I have tried to brush off thinking about how things will change with me moving away. I know it will hurt when I do finally sit down and let it sink in, and I don't want to go through that. But I need to. Because it makes all the little moments until then more ..... more needed. Not more special, but more valuable. I was thinking tonight about how how my grandmas are aging and what they are able to do, but more about what they aren't able to do. I began to cry. I always thought that my grandmas would be able to go shopping with me for wedding stuff, attend my showers, talk about how things change when you get married and share their wisdom. But things aren't like that. Neither one is at a place where they are able to do that, and I had a pity party. More grieving what isn't than feeling sorry for myself, but it was still a pity party. I miss what I have not had. Terribly. But John reminded me tonight that both of them still love me dearly. I needed that. I was reminded tonight of how fleeting the time is, and how valuable is the love that they have for me. How I need to treasure my loved ones, and not let anything get in the way of loving them.
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me...Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:12-14)
"For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come." Habakkuk 2:3
"Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you"! Eph. 5:14
I bought the sheet music for a song for the wedding: Great Is Thy Faithfulness. The version John and I chose is by Fernando Ortega. He completely rewrote the music, but kept all the lyrics the same. It is so lovely!
Then we got our makeup done
and did some preliminary price checking on paper goods for the wedding.
There were several other errands in the midst of all that, so we had a long, yet wonderful day together.
There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to It presses harsh hope against time In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves Who only want to rob you blind They steal away any sense of peace Though I'm a king I'm a king on my knees And I know they are wrong when they say I am strong As the darkness covers me
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory I am not afraid To bare all my weakness knowing in meekness I have a kingdom to gain Where there is peace and love in the light, in the light Oh I am not afraid To let Your light shine bright in my life, in my life Oh, I ... am I ...
There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul Than I thought I had given away They linger in closets and under my bed And in pictures less proudly displayed A great fool in my life I have been Have squandered till pallid and thin Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame For darkness I know I've let win
Can you hear me? Well I've never been much for the baring of soul In the presence of any man I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure In the arms of a sinner I am Could it be that my worth should depend By the crimson stained grace on a hand And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in Your will To reveal all of You that I can
There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to It presses harsh hope against time...
When evening came, Jesus was reclining at the table with the Twelve. And while they were eating, he said, "I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me."They were very sad and began to say to him one after the other, "Surely not I, Lord?"-Matthew 26:20-22
What is it to betray our LORD? I see giving the focus and worship that belongs to anything else as betrayal. "Surely not I?" I stray from absolute worship so often. So terribly often. I allow little things, stupid things, to distract me from my LORD. When He beckons me toward Him, sometimes I do not even see. Because I am so preoccupied with "me", what "I want", or what "others think". I allow those things to take His place. Sometimes even eagerly.
Then Judas, the one who would betray him, said, "Surely not I, Rabbi?" Jesus answered, "Yes, it is you." -Matthew 26:25 It is. And yet, in spite of that, Jesus loves me, cares for me, died for me, rose for me, and stands before the Father for me as my Righteousness. In spite of my betrayal, He did all this for me.
While they were eating, Jesus took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to his disciples, saying, "Take and eat; this is my body."Then he took the cup, gave thanks and offered it to them, saying, "Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins." -Matthew 26: 26-28
He knows me, even my tendency to betray Him, and yet offers Himself freely as my complete Righteousness. Such is Love.
In response to this Love, I believe that I need to battle against the "Judas" in me, every moment of every day.
You fill up my senses like a night in a forest, like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain, like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean. You fill up my senses, come fill me again.
Come let me love you, let me give my life to you, let me drown in your laughter, let me die in your arms. Let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you. Come let me love you, come love me again. - "you fill up my senses", by john denver
"Music is what I always turn to when I'm feeling a certain way. It's my reason for everything." -Josh Groban
Yup, "what I always turn to when I feel a certain way". "My reason for everything". Mhmm. Right. "Everything." Well, maybe, but maybe not. Music. What is it? The lilt that is in your heart when gladness washes over you, the quietness that is there when you are too exhausted for anything, the exultation - and weeping, at the same time - that is there when you love someone? That is my reason for everything? Hmm.
Music is also the sound that rises in me in response to an incredible God; when I am so overwhelmed by Him that I can't even pray, there is a sound. Music.
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(where you can find updates on what we are up to )
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not take them bothAnd be one traveler, long I stoodAnd looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;//Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing thereHad worn them really about the same,//
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,I doubted if I should ever come back.//I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made the difference.
"These little moments ... matter, for they are where we live every day."
- Paul David Tripp